90 minutes in Heaven.

I started to read this book called 90 minutes in Heaven, when my mom was sick, and I couldn't read it, and neither could she, because she wanted to live, not go to heaven yet. But I picked this book back up again this past week, and it has given me a little more peace of mind. My mom blamed herself for not getting the help she needed when she could have, and I was angry that she would even think to feel that way, not mad at her, but that Satan would even think to put that idea in her head. But this book, gives me a glimpse that I hope and pray that when she reached heaven's gate that anything that she ever could have blamed herself for didn't matter anymore. She was so scared of how we would make it with out her. Since loosing her, I hoped that it wouldn't matter to her anymore, that in Heaven, all is perfect, including her. She was imperfect here, on earth yes, but in Heaven she is a radiant Beam of light, that is joining with the Angels singing as loud as she possibly can, and Loving every moment, with those who have gone before her. Each person has their own idea's of what Heaven is like and I have found solace in knowing that my mom is in Heaven. With saying all that life is not easy without her here, we miss her terribly everyday. Some days are better then others, we are nearing the 1 year anniversary of her death, and it is going to be a very hard day. October 2nd is not a day we would care to remember, but it will come around every year, and I hope that in time the pain will be less, and that we will remember her more, in living out Godly lives, and seeking to Christ as our rock and foundation. Our daily lives continue, and time will move on, in the book 90 minutes in Heaven, Time stops, or maybe it is that it does not matter, we will not be known by the physical scars or the emotional ones for that matter, so we need to take each moment here on this earth and live it out, for in heaven all will be perfect. I love you Wilma(Mom) my super mouse.

Love,

Alida

Walk on the water by Britt Nicole (With lyrics)

My sister inlaw's introduced me to this song, and I am fallen for it. Because it really discribes , my mom's faith, and doubts but also God's grace. If we take that first step he won't let us go. Life will go on, and we need to take that first step, which is not always easy, especially when the heart really hurts, like mine does, I would rather go and hide, and my hope feels stolen. Faith is what I need. Hope you enjoy it!

Alida

I AM BEHIND YOUR BEHIND!!!

8 months have passed since the loss of my mom, and daily there are reminders of her, and memories and wishes and the longing just to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her. It is June and June 1 was my mom's birthday day. I have decided to make JUNE get your BUMS checked month...I don't know how many people still read my blog, but I don't care, even if just one person reads this blog and does something about it, then I have done something good.

My mom died from colon cancer, a cancer that if caught early has a much better chance of being successfully treated. If not the end results are death. PLAIN ANS SIMPLE!!!! don't play with your health. My mom regreted not fighting for more tests to be done, to make sure there was no cancer anywhere else while facing breast cancer. My mom died at the young age of 48. THAT'S NOT OLD!!!!! She left 3 children 2 in their 20's and one that will be 17 on June 16.

I beg you peopleooooo's!!!!! SEE YOUR FAMILY DOCTOR!!! It can be as simple as a 3 day stool sample, or a blood test, or a coloscopy, which sounds scary but it is really not so bad. Cancer treatments are a whole lot scarier!! Colon cancer often has no warning signs, PLease , please please, do it for your family, your friends. I AM BEHIND YOUR BEHIND!!!!

Now PUt A FIRE UNDER yOUR BUtt AND GIVE yOUR CLINIC A CALL>>>



MAy GOD RICHLY BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU!!
MAKE A CALL IT JUST MIGHT SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!!!


ALIDA

6 months have come and gone.

It has been 6 months since our mom passed away and not a day goes by that we don't think about her at some point. It seems to be something that you can't get away from. It hits you at the strangest of times, and leaves you feeling lost, almost paralyzed, and lonely.

Many of us play the what if game with our selves, what if mom had not gone to Tulsa, what if she had caught the colon cancer sooner, what if the doctors had actually listened to her. Would we still have mom? However these questions are completely meaningless, and they just don't matter anymore, and yet they taunt us in the night. Many a tear has been shed, and many a sleepless night has been had as well. People say give it time; you need to heal. I often think "will I ever heal? Because right now it does not feel like it's getting better. I am haunted by her suffering, and I feel lost with out my mom to help guide me on this crazy road of life.

Last week sunday we had a preacher preach to us about, being lukewarm christians. He read from revelations, and he read, the peice about being lukewarm, no one likes luke warm water so you spit it out. there are 2 choices here, freezing cold, or HOT. I know what mom would want for me, and my brothers, or for anyone else that she knew. She wanted us to have a spark in our hearts and a fire in our spirits. Since mom died, I have been a lukewarm Christian. I believe yes, whole heartedly, but that don't mean that I am a happy camper at the moment, but I could not say that I have been on fire for God. I feel robbed. He didn't heal my mom. In her journal entries she begged for God to heal her, Her words rip my heart in two. "Have mercy on me God, Heal me". That's Fire! She truly believed that God could heal her, and I believe he could have. What I struggle with is why didn't he. Why did she have to suffer? Why did she not want to talk about dying? Why did she not open up to her parents, sister, brothers about things that they should have known?or would like to know? Anyways, these questions and many more seem to bog me down from digging out and remembering what fire in my spirit is. At times I feel it, and then it's gone just as fast as it came. Learning to trust God, that he has life in control, is the hardest part of life, yet it is a part of everyday hustle and bustle.

But that Fire in my Spirit is a glowing ember, just waiting to be fanned into flame again, I pray that it will be fanned once again. So that I can be a "Hot"Christian, more then just my looks :)

But on fire for my God, and my mom.

Please Pray for Aaron who is writing final exams for his Carpentry Journeymans. ;)

Please Pray for Philip who is missing my mom, and her presence terribly.

Also my Oma( Ina Debree) who misses her daughter/tea buddy, and friend.

In the name of our Lord and Saviour I Bless all of you.

Amen.

Alida

3 months today

It has been 3 months since our mom has past away. Through out each day I am met by things that remind me of her and I find myself pondering memories, and and playing the should of, could of game with myself. There are many things I would like to ask my mom, and there are many times I just wanna chat. The other day I dialed her number by accident trying to call my Oma. And I heard this big loud beep, and " This number is no longer in service" so I hit redial, and then I realized I called the number that mom had for most of my life. I just sat there for a moment as reality hit hard once again.

Over the past number of weeks I have seen and felt the reality of my parents divorce still affecting us kids as legalistic things are worked out and I can't help but feel trapped once again by the reality of a messy divorce and strained relationships between two families. I just want to burry my head like an Ostrich and call it all good still, but that is not the case at all.

My brother Aaron is still very much struggling with depression, and anxiety, and a feeling of hopelessness, Philip the youngest, is hanging in there. He often writes poems, and spends as much time with friends as possible.

As for the update on me, I won't lie, I am not doing well. I feel that I have lost my bestfriend, my counselor and over all my mom. Can you ever feel good loosing a mom so young?

Perhaps it is just the stage of grieveing that I am in, but I feel very much numb. So often, I find myself wanting to call mom and tell her what Tori just did, or what I just bought. Or ask her what she thinks of something. I miss her So much. However I do know that I am so blessed to have my daughter, and my husband to be my light in this dark time. Tori is growing like a weed, and we love her charming smiles, and her contagious giggles.Nana loved Tori I just wish she got to know her more. Tori was Baptized on December 5th, something that my mom wanted so much to be a part of, however my oma and aunt monique and uncle John and family were there.

God blessings

Alida

1 month

It has been one month since we lost mom, and it still seems so sureal at times. I find myself questioning "did this really happen". It really did happen. Since we lost mom, we have worked really hard to clean out mom's house, which will be sold. It has been a very hard process, because not only the physical work to move everything out but emotional as we went through mom's life her house. Please pray for us as we to our best to get things moved out, and cleaned up. Please pray that my brothers will find the time, and the funds to get everything moved out to Aaron's place.
We keep plugging away, and missing our mom, we live one day at time, some times hour to hour, but we get through each day. Please pray for our continued safety, and health.

Alida, and Family

3 weeks

It has now been 3 weeks since we lost mom, and we are all headed back into life. We have all had a huge change in our lives, especially Philip. Who is now living with my dad and grandmother. This transition seems to be going well. Please pray for him as the reality of life starts to sink in.
Loosing our mom has really made us realize the importance of every day and also that life needs to be lived with a positive attitude, it can make the biggest difference in dealing with each day.
We want to strive to live better lives. We also want to live long, and live well, and happy.
We all miss our mom very much, for Aaron and I mom was our sounding board, our friend and the one who gave us advice, love and support. It is very different now, and we both feel very robbed of her love, and her presence.
I will admit it is hard not to be mad at God, for allowing us to loose our mom in the middle of her life. It seems unfair, unjust and unreal. However it is real, this is the new reality, and I keep wondering if this ache in my heart will ever go away.
I talked once to my mom about how important she was to me, and in the context of the conversation we were having was about putting my trust in God, and I was finding very hard to do in the midst of infertility. She asked me if I had made her my God. I was shocked at first, but I realized she was right. I trusted my mom with everything, because she would give me answers, a hug, or a kind word of support. In the midst of great heart ache being childless I had made my mom more important than my God and Saviour. This all took place before she was diagnosed with cancer the 2nd time. I had to work very hard at making sure that my mom stayed my mom, and not put her before God because all though she was my hero, she was still human, and she was dying of cancer. My mom is gone now, and my sounding board is missing, my hero has flown the coop, gone on to bigger and better things. Now I must put my trust in my heavenly father, hard to do, when I don't understand the reasons that my mom is not here. At first I was at peace, but now my heart just aches, and my spirit is crying out God for support, love and understanding. My best friend is MIA in the Heaven's, Praise the Lord! But I am here, mourning, collecting all the stones that I have thrown. One day at a time, mom said, so I live one day at a time.

Please continue to pray for us, please pray for peace, assurance and courage to face each day with Joy, love and Hope.

In Christ's Love,

Alida and Family