It has been 6 months since our mom passed away and not a day goes by that we don't think about her at some point. It seems to be something that you can't get away from. It hits you at the strangest of times, and leaves you feeling lost, almost paralyzed, and lonely.
Many of us play the what if game with our selves, what if mom had not gone to Tulsa, what if she had caught the colon cancer sooner, what if the doctors had actually listened to her. Would we still have mom? However these questions are completely meaningless, and they just don't matter anymore, and yet they taunt us in the night. Many a tear has been shed, and many a sleepless night has been had as well. People say give it time; you need to heal. I often think "will I ever heal? Because right now it does not feel like it's getting better. I am haunted by her suffering, and I feel lost with out my mom to help guide me on this crazy road of life.
Last week sunday we had a preacher preach to us about, being lukewarm christians. He read from revelations, and he read, the peice about being lukewarm, no one likes luke warm water so you spit it out. there are 2 choices here, freezing cold, or HOT. I know what mom would want for me, and my brothers, or for anyone else that she knew. She wanted us to have a spark in our hearts and a fire in our spirits. Since mom died, I have been a lukewarm Christian. I believe yes, whole heartedly, but that don't mean that I am a happy camper at the moment, but I could not say that I have been on fire for God. I feel robbed. He didn't heal my mom. In her journal entries she begged for God to heal her, Her words rip my heart in two. "Have mercy on me God, Heal me". That's Fire! She truly believed that God could heal her, and I believe he could have. What I struggle with is why didn't he. Why did she have to suffer? Why did she not want to talk about dying? Why did she not open up to her parents, sister, brothers about things that they should have known?or would like to know? Anyways, these questions and many more seem to bog me down from digging out and remembering what fire in my spirit is. At times I feel it, and then it's gone just as fast as it came. Learning to trust God, that he has life in control, is the hardest part of life, yet it is a part of everyday hustle and bustle.
But that Fire in my Spirit is a glowing ember, just waiting to be fanned into flame again, I pray that it will be fanned once again. So that I can be a "Hot"Christian, more then just my looks :)
But on fire for my God, and my mom.
Please Pray for Aaron who is writing final exams for his Carpentry Journeymans. ;)
Please Pray for Philip who is missing my mom, and her presence terribly.
Also my Oma( Ina Debree) who misses her daughter/tea buddy, and friend.
In the name of our Lord and Saviour I Bless all of you.
Amen.
Alida
